It’s not je suis manger, you guys.

Deciding on the URL, title and tagline of a blog was one of the hardest decision I had to make, a couple of times over the year. I used to change them like I change my sheets (which is kind of often since I bring snacks to my bed all the time). Ideally, our titles and taglines embody the spirit of our blog. Our philosophy. It has to be original and catchy, while still hits home. But it’s really hard for me to settle for one thing in a long run–cause I’m sooo changeable and I still hasn’t figured out the right word that has a ring to it yet.

But you might have noticed that I’ve already got one yet.

And no, it’s not a typo.

One day I went on Twitter and misread je suis manger (French, meaning ‘I eat’) as je suis mager. While mager is actually an Indonesian slang that roughly translates as ‘lazy’, a phrase I use a lot. I think the name kind of fits with this blog, since I’ve just abandoned it for a month. Aside from the nice pun it makes, I identify as a terribly lazy procrastinator. No, I’m not proud of it. Rushing to finish an assignment two hours before the deadline and not getting enough sleep while hating yourself because you didn’t do what you were supposed to is the worst feeling in the world. What’s worse, it always feels like a déjà vu. I no longer know how to do things the old way anymore, doing my assignments and houseworks as soon as I get home, procrastination starts to become a part of me. Now I should stop before I scare myself further. It’s summer, for crying out loud.

My tagline, a prison of words, I guess I wrote it in my journal one night when I was half asleep. One of the reasons I keep journals is my mind’s tendency to wander and fill my brains with words. I know I need to get them out. But most of the time I can’t. Terms like ‘procrastination’ and ‘writer’s block’ really became old and suddenly I realized that I was just afraid to create something bad. When you come up with an idea, sometimes it’s easier to let it stay as a flawless eternal blueprint rather than actually making it come true.

Um, wow. Writing this makes me realize how deep my title and tagline really means. I think they represent my inner demons; procrastination and fear of imperfection. Blogging could liberate myself from that. As Anne Lamott said, “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people. It will keep you cramped and insane your whole life, and it is the main obstacle between you and a shitty first draft.”

Well, this. This is my shitty first draft, I guess.

I sound completely pretentious in this post, but I’m gonna post it anyway because who cares.